God farted and you made him do it.
AVERAGE JOE
What? Huh? God doesn’t fart. And what do I have to do with it? You’re an idiot.
NOVELIST:
No, I am not. Your car and heating your house puts stuff into the air that
God doesn’t like. As a result, God is farting gas from the ocean floor and
the steppes of Russia and his farts are warming the entire planet.
SCIENTIST:
Well, actually, you are talking about methane clathrates, melting from the
continental shelf and the permafrost near the arctic circle.
NOVELIST:
Shut up, scientist. You’re boring everybody. You talking stuff nobody cares
about. You persuade no one.
AVERAGE JOE:
Yeah! I agree.
NOVELIST:
So, Joe, you like your big, powerful SUV and your warm house? Right?
AVERAGE JOE:
Of course I do. And your God farting stuff is crazy.
NOVELIST:
What if I could promise you a bigger, more powerful SUV and cheaper
AVERAGE JOE:
Yeah! I agree.
NOVELIST:
So, Joe, you like your big, powerful SUV and your warm house? Right?
AVERAGE JOE:
Of course I do. And your God farting stuff is crazy.
NOVELIST:
What if I could promise you a bigger, more powerful SUV and cheaper
electricity for your house and not make God all farty and angry? What
do you say?
AVERAGE JOE:
Okay, talk. I’ll listen. But you’re still crazy.
NOVELIST:
Tesla sells fully electric SUVs that are faster and more powerful than
Lamborghinis. And they even sell 18-wheelers that go from zero to sixty
faster than any other truck.
AVERAGE JOE:
You’re kidding.
NOVELIST:
Not kidding. Acceleration in an electric SUV in “ludicrous mode” is
AVERAGE JOE:
You’re kidding.
NOVELIST:
Not kidding. Acceleration in an electric SUV in “ludicrous mode” is
beyond belief, and God likes it. And you can get sustainable electricity
that’s cheaper than what you’re paying now without making God fart. So
you can be warm, have a great SUV, and God will be happy with you
and not have tummy problems.
AVERAGE JOE:
So you want me to fix God’s tummy. How?
NOVELIST:
Vote for politicians who want what is called a “revenue-neutral carbon
AVERAGE JOE:
So you want me to fix God’s tummy. How?
NOVELIST:
Vote for politicians who want what is called a “revenue-neutral carbon
tax.” That’s actually a tax cut for you, if you don't use fossil fuels. The
Government taxes carbon as it comes out of the ground and gives the
Government taxes carbon as it comes out of the ground and gives the
money back to you. The end result is you get cheaper electricity that
doesn’t upset God, and more powerful SUVs that agree with God’s tummy.
AVERAGE JOE:
So tell me about this powerful SUV.
NOVELIST and JOE walk off stage right, talking about vehicles with great acceleration.
SCIENTIST:
You’re both crazy.
SCIENTIST walks off, stage left, shaking his head and muttering to himself.
Please help me in my personal war against global warming. Friend me on Facebook, Follow me on Twitter, and connect with me on LinkedIn. I am writing a powerful global warming novel. I need a great publishing company to market it and print a lot of copies. Publishers look at an author's social media numbers as a sign of potential buyers. So please Friend me, Follow me, and Connect with me. Consider it as doing a small part in saving humanity from the ravages of global warming. Thanks.
Shawn Oueinsteen 
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